


Why you shouldn't go all Wile E Coyote when your coworkers are fucking

by deathlybijoumme



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Biting, Black Panties, Dirty Talk, Hair Pulling, Hand Jobs, Handcuffs, Hickeys, Kissing, Language Kink, M/M, Other, Trans Character, Trans!Hilbert, Vaginal Fingering, hilbert swears in russian during sex, prediciment bondage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 19:31:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12394698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathlybijoumme/pseuds/deathlybijoumme





	Why you shouldn't go all Wile E Coyote when your coworkers are fucking

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Macremae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macremae/gifts).



  
Eiffel gripped Hilbert's forearm tightly, having to yank him along sometimes due to their difference in stride. Hilbert glared at him occasionally, like he was considering kicking him.

The two of them had both had to deal with Minkowski’s antics yet again, Hilbert having to subtly disable a few traps to keep at least one route in the station safe for travel. He found the entire situation quite funny… up until he almost got hit in the face with a vat of acid. Eiffel pulled him out of the way before he got hurt, but he was still pissy about it.

Eiffel was considering trying to check Hilbert for injuries again, when he tripped over something and they both were sent sprawling in the corridor. They heard a small clicking noise, and they found themselves entangled in a thick net.

Hilbert struggled onto his hands and knees and felt the net tighten around him. “Eiffel, wait-” he started to say, as Eiffel struggled futilely, causing the net to get even tighter and Hilbert to fall on top of Eiffel.

“Doc, I got stuck in one others a few days ago, I should think I know how to get out.” Eiffel huffed at him. He started to get up, before slipping and trapping Hilbert's body underneath his.

“This is not like other time, Eiffel.” Hilbert said crossly, his face squashed into Eiffel’s chest and his glasses askew on his face. “Net is made of reinforced nylon, or perhaps polypropylene, but the latter is unlikely-”

“Point being?” Eiffel asked impatiently. He briefly thought about fixing Hilbert's glasses, but decided not to.

“Was specifically designed to lean into its design flaws with some minor internal adjustments. Gets tighter the more one struggles.” Hilbert shifted a little underneath him, embarrassed. “It is… likely Minkowski will have to get us out of here.”

Eiffel groaned. “Yay, I get to be trapped in a net with _you_ for god knows how long while Hera's on a spa day and Minkowski is going Wile E. Coyote on everything and everyone. Someone get the chips and salsa, I wanna throw a par-fucking-tay!”

Hilbert glared up at him. “I did not cause this! You tripped and set trap off!”

“Only because you were dragging your feet!” Eiffel pushed himself up off of Hilbert a little so that Hilbert's face was no longer mashed into his chest. “If you would stop being so-”

“Was only dragging my feet because you were dragging me! I am several inches shorter than you, and proportionally have shorter legs on top of that!” Hilbert squirmed under him, trying to get at least in less close of proximity. “But of course, is just like you to shift blame. Should not expect anything better.” He had a slightly disgusted facial expression as he looked up at Eiffel.

“Yeah well you've been pissy all goddamn day, even after I saved your ass from getting melted by one of Minkowski’s nutty Doofenshmirtz traps!” Eiffel was yelling now.

“Have not been especially upset-” Hilbert started to retort.

“You tried to punch me in the face. While you were handcuffed. Because I tried to check to see if you had gotten burned by the splash.” Eiffel's fingers got tangled in Hilbert's hair as his hand shifted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? One minute you're almost a ray of sunshine when you see me, and the next you're a complete bitch and a half to deal with!” He tried to gesture as he spoke on the tail end of the last sentence and accidentally yanked Hilbert's hair sharply.

“Eiffel, _**stop**_.” Hilbert's face was suddenly flushed again and Eiffel got even more upset with those two words.

“Stop what, this?” he asked as he yanked on Hilbert's hair again. Hilbert bit his lip and a small hiss of air came through his teeth. Eiffel yanked again, harder this time. With that, Hilbert made a loud noise that made Eiffel pause, suddenly as flustered as Hilbert was. “Uh, Hilbert, did you just-” he started.

“Shut up.” Hilbert said, turning his face to the side. “Just… shut up.” Eiffel experimentally tugged on his hair again, drawing another loud moan out of him.

“Holy shit.” Eiffel muttered. “All this time, I could-”

“No, no, and no.” Hilbert said, still fuming. “Shut your stupid mouth Eiffel, before I find way to punch you, even with handcuffs and net.”

“Fine. I won't talk.” Eiffel said, grinning as he pulled Hilbert's hair some more. Hilbert's back arched this time as he moaned, his neck suddenly becoming a very nice sight. Eiffel felt an unwitting problem down stairs at the sight of that as the net tightened even more. Hilbert's glasses had fully fallen off now, and he was trying his best to bury his face into his own shoulder.

Eiffel slid his other hand under Hilbert's shirt, and Hilbert jumped slightly. He looked at Eiffel, startled and questioning.

“Minkowski’s gonna probably be awhile, yeah?” Eiffel said quietly. “And yet again, our usual eye in the sky is a little out of order right now…”

Hilbert's face flushed an even deeper red as he caught Eiffel's meaning. “Eiffel, even so, is very likely not the best time.” Hilbert's leg unintentionally shifted between Eiffel's. He tucked his face back into his shoulder when he realized Eiffel was already half hard.

Eiffel let go of his hair, and turned his face back towards him. Hilbert's eyes flicked up to his face, and Eiffel leaned in, catching Hilbert's lips into a kiss as he rutted against Hilbert's leg. He needed this. Needed human touch and connection. Maybe even needed Hilbert a little, not that he'd admit it out loud.

And of course, Eiffel is kissing him and Hilbert can't really breathe, but he also can't make himself care. Does he even need air? He doesn't think he does, not when he has this. Eiffel's lips, pressing into his own, one of Eiffel's hands, squeezing his hip tight enough to bruise. Eiffel, in all his horrible and beautiful entirety. No, he decides, he does not need air. Not right now.

Eiffel breaks the kiss, and Hilbert lingers, chasing his lips ever so slightly, his breath heavy. One of Eiffel's hands comes up to his face, cradling his cheek in his palm. Hilbert turned his head and pressed soft kisses into Eiffel's palm. Eiffel took advantage of this and kissed along the side of his neck. Hilbert moaned breathlessly. Eiffel didn't even bother to test how much pain he liked when he started biting, and was rewarded by more noises from Hilbert. Hilbert groaned and writhed under him, his hips instinctively grinding forward into Eiffel’s leg.

“Fuck.” Eiffel groaned. “Fuck, Hilbert-” he dropped his head to Hilbert's shoulder. “I really want fuck you right now.”

Hilbert laughed. “Fuck me if you can, sir.” he said, that gleam of something Eiffel couldn't name in his eye. Eiffel looked at him, then proceeded to yank Hilbert's pants down with the hand that had been resting on his hip. Hilbert made a small noise of surprise at that and proceeded to kick his pants down to his knees. The struggle yet again tightened the net.

Eiffel rubbed the heel of his hand against Hilbert's still clothed crotch, making the man tense and inhale sharply. He smiled and put his hand inside Hilbert's boxers. He rubbed his fingers against his cunt, and Hilbert gasped, his hands gripping Eiffel's shirt.

“E-Eiffel, what are you-” Hilbert asked before Eiffel cut him off with a lingering kiss.

He pulled away, looking at Hilbert's flushed face and dazed eyes. “You said fuck you if I could. You didn't say how.” Eiffel loosely grabbed some of his hair. “You're so lovely like this.” he muttered, pulling Hilbert's hair and delighting in the moan that it caused. He bit his neck, drawing up bruises and moans from Hilbert's throat as he fingered him roughly.

Hilbert was a noisy, writhing mess under Eiffel's hands and mouth. The net was tightened around both of them as much as it was able, their bodies pressed together, with only an inch or two of free room between the two of them.

Eiffel continued to fuck Hilbert with his fingers, just enough pressure to make him desperate, but nothing to push him over the edge yet. He knew it wasn't a good idea, but he wanted to savor Hilbert underneath him, his hot breath ghosting over his ear. He groaned into Hilbert's neck and ground himself harder onto his leg.

“Fuck…” he muttered. “You're so-” he paused, breathing hard and trying to form the right words for the nebulous feeling. “So fucking good under me.” he groaned.

Hilbert's grip on Eiffel's shirt tightened and he moaned, the sound like music in Eiffel's ear. No, not like music. It was music. Low and smooth, like hot honey being poured onto Eiffel's everything. Eiffel pulled on his hair to hear it again, and a shiver ran down his spine at the noise this time. He crooked the fingers he had inside Hilbert, and a choked half moan escaped his mouth. He moved his head from where it was as nestled in Hilbert's neck and stared at his face.

Hilbert's eyes were half open and completely dazed, barely audible Russian murmurs escaping his lips when he wasn't moaning. His hair was a dark halo around and over his face, like ink spilled over a golden brown parchment. His face and neck were flushed a deep ruby red, and the bruises from Eiffel's bites on his neck looked like an elaborate piece of purple and red jewelry.

Eiffel crooked his fingers again, and started rubbing his thumb on Hilbert's clit. Hilbert's eyes closed tightly and he arched beautifully with a moan. The sight made Eiffel want to tie him into a bed and fuck him until he was completely senseless. Eiffel settled for pumping his fingers in and out of Hilbert and randomly changing pace as he rubbed him closer to cumming.

“ох, ебать, ебать, Eiffel, пожалуйста, ебать меня, позвольте мне сперва на пальцах, пожалуйста-” Hilbert moaned, before cutting himself off with a cry and Eiffel pulled his hair again. Eiffel had no idea what he'd been saying but it made him finger Hilbert faster and sloppier, panting heavily. Hilbert came with a choked noise and Eiffel grinned. He pulled his fingers out of his underwear and licked the fingers that he'd used to fuck Hilbert to orgasm clean. Hilbert groaned in exasperation and covered his face with his shirt.

“Didja have fun, Doc?” Eiffel asked, pulling up Hilbert's pants. He tied the drawstring into a messy bow and patted his hip.

“Shut up.” Hilbert grumbled into his shirt and hands. “Just… shut up.”

Eiffel noticed that the tops of his ears were red. “I think you had fun~.” Eiffel crooned, tilting Hilbert's face up so that he could see him properly. “I think you had a lot of fun.” He kissed Hilbert's nose happily.

Hilbert's hands moved from his chest down to about his thighs. Where Eiffel had been grinding his still hard cock. Hilbert palmed his erection and raised an eyebrow. “Looks like you have not had enough fun, unfortunately.” Hilbert said, his voice gruff from heavy use.

“Ah, it's fine, it'll go away on its own.” Eiffel said,suddenly flustered, trying to wiggle away from Hilbert's hands before realizing he couldn't. Hilbert unzipped his pants and he palmed Eiffel's cock through his panties.

Hilbert raised an eyebrow at him. “These are not yours…” he said, rubbing him harder. “Did you steal one of my panties, Officer Eiffel?”

Eiffel groaned as Hilbert expertly teased his cock through the silky fabric. “Y-yeah. I did.” He relaxed into Hilbert's ministrations, letting Hilbert touch him with those slender fingers of his.

“They are quite nice, no?” Hilbert sighed, almost regretful. “Too bad I plan on ruining them.”

“What-” Eiffel asked before cutting himself off with a quiet moan as Hilbert gripped him through his underwear and pumped his hand up and down experimentally. Eiffel's arms gave out and he half collapsed on top of Hilbert, his legs trembling slightly.

Hilbert put his hands in Eiffel's panties after teasing him through them for awhile. Eiffel whimpered and Hilbert smiled, pumping his hands over his cock and occasionally fondling his balls. Eiffel gripped Hilbert's shoulders tightly, panting into his ear. Hilbert swiped his thumb over the head of his cock, collecting some of his precome and using it to lubricate his movements. Eiffel groaned, and Hilbert started kissing along his jaw.

“I want to do so many things to you, Eiffel.” Hilbert muttered in between kisses. “I want to suck your cock, make you scream, make you go wild and grab my hair as you fuck my mouth with abandon.” Eiffel groaned again, his legs definitely trembling now.

“Hilbert.” Eiffel whimpered. “Ah- fuck- Hilbert, I’d love to fuck your throat.” Hilbert's breath hitched a little, and he pumped his hand over Eiffel's cock faster. “W-Watch you choke and beg for my cock, drooling helplessly and _moaning_.” Hilbert made a soft noise. Eiffel groaned as Hilbert jacked him off faster in response to his dirty talk. “Even better, I’d love to tie you up and watch you suck off a dildo for hours as you beg for my cock with it in your mouth.”

Hilbert panted softly and with a few more pumps of his hand, Eiffel came in the panties, staining the black silk with his cum, his legs shaking wildly. Hilbert frowned a little and wiped his hand off on the already ruined panties. He zipped Eiffel up, and kissed him on the cheek. Eiffel hummed happily and moved his arms from around Hilbert's shoulders to around his waist. Both of them were exhausted from their activities, and soon Eiffel fell asleep on top of Hilbert, with Hilbert reluctantly following after into the state of sleep.

And that was how Minkowski found them a few hours later, passed out with no real evidence of their activities, aside from the bites on Hilbert's neck. 


End file.
